space

TB and I talked a little yesterday. Well, talked isn’t quite accurate. We emailed. He emailed me in the morning from work, and we went back and forth a bit. He finally told me a little of what was going on in his mind. He’s experiencing a bit of a mental breakdown. He’s just kind of lost right now. He feels like he doesn’t know what he’s doing with his career (if he’ll stay in the Marines or what) or anything else. And, I think I got a little needy on him and it was just adding to the stress. I was putting all of my stress about life and the bar on him through my need to vent my frustrations, and there was nothing he could do, and so he decided it’d just be easier to shut down. He’s used to being on his own, and I don’t think he knows how to rely on anyone else or have anyone else help him. And here I am wanting to help him solve everything and talk about everything, and I guess it just didn’t mesh well. I wasn’t probably as understanding as I should have been. “If you’re worried about money, stop spending it.” “If you think you drink too much, then don’t go out with your buddies every Friday and Saturday.” “Why don’t you give me attention?” “Are you still attracted to me, cause you didn’t say I looked pretty when I sent you a picture.” Man, I annoyed myself in those 4 sentences, I can only imagine how he must have felt. So, I did what any good lawyer would do and I tried to argue and negotiate my way out of the problem. I tried to argue us back into the relationship. He said he can’t be good for anyone right now, and he needs to figure himself out. I can respect hat. I also think he’s just in a funk and he’s going to realize that he’s not as bad off as he thinks he is. I told him that I think he just needs to take some time and think things through and make sure that this is what he really wants. I’m stuck studying for the bar for the next 54 days, so it doesn’t really affect me to wait and see. I told him that I’d hold off on returning my airplane ticket for a while and give him space to think about it. I think that sometimes people should put as much thought into breaking up as they do into beginning a relationship. I mean, you take your time thinking about compatibility and things, so why not take time to make sure you really don’t want to be with someone. I mean, sometimes it’s obvious: he beat me, break up. He stole my money, break up. He hit on my brother, break up. But, he says he cares about me and doesn’t want anyone else and is just in a bad place and confused. Well, that’s not as cut and dry. Don’t get me wrong: I’m not waiting around for him. I told him that. I told him that I don’t have my hopes up that it’ll work out. I’m just keeping the door open. The door won’t be permanently open. The swift gust of a new interesting guy could blow that door shut. But, the fact that I can go days at a time without leaving my apartment while studying means that that is not likely. I need to focus on the bar, and don’t have time to start new relationships anyway. I mean, it’s not that I’m opposed, I just have priorities right now. Boring, horrible, makes me want to stab myself in the eye priorities. The good thing about this horrible test is that it’s been a wonderful distraction from thinking about TB too much. I barely noticed the silence of my phone when he didn’t call or text. Barely. I’m good about giving him space though. I didn’t contact him at all. I figure it’s up to him now. He really needs to come to some conclusions on his own. Either me misses me or he doesn’t. Either he wants to be with me or he doesn’t.

In other news, the Cop from last summer has been texting me a little. We texted back and forth a bit on Saturday and a bit last night. He’s kind of hinted around to hanging out, but hasn’t asked me to. I don’t see that going anywhere. I mean, I really like hanging out with him, and it was fun. And he’s super silly, which I think is kind of hot (I mean, he’s all tough and has a gun on him at all times, but then he’ll call me a “silly bear” or something like that, which I think is such a hot combination. A guy who can handle a situation but is also random and funny? What’s not to love?) but, I just don’t see it working out. I think I need way too much attention for him to give. That’s what he told me last summer anyway. I don’t think that’s changed. I don’t need less attention, and I don’t foresee him wanting to hang out more than 1 night a week. And, that’s just not enough for me. I’m not that kind of a girl. I like to spend as much time with my man as possible. TB was the same way. He said that if we were in the same place we’d be inseparable. That’s the kind of guy for me. One who decompresses with me, not one who needs to decompress in order to be with me. I’ve really enjoyed texting with the Cop lately though. It’s cheered me up a lot. And, who knows. I mean, if he wants to hang out, I probably will just to see. I just don’t think I’m able to even think about any other dudes right now. Or, maybe a new dude is what I need. I don’t know. I’m so mixed up in the head right now. I wish TB would pull his head out of his ass and realize that it doesn’t matter if he doesn’t know what he’s doing with his life: I’m a lawyer, I can support him! Hopefully he figures that out soon!