sucky day

a couple days ago i was a happy, happy girl. today my heart is broken. tb broke up with me. apparently he just realized that we don't live near each other, cause his reason was that he can't handle the distance. i pointed out he's handled it for 5 months. that didn't seem to matter. my brother told me to sever all ties and not talk to him. i told him i don't have the choice, cause he won't respond to me. i think he had a mini-break down and thinks for some reason he's bad for me while i'm studying for the bar. it girl and my sister think i need to give it some time and he'll come around. i'm not so sure. they told me to hold off on canceling my ticket to north carolina for after the bar. i'm only holding off cause i know i'll break down in tears while on the phone to cancel it. i don't want to hold on to any hope, cause i know i'll just be disappointed. he's not going to go back on this. i just know it. i wish it was different. if i'd known he couldn't handle it, i would have looking seriously into moving there. it's just dumb, cause it's not indefinite. he's planning on moving here soon. in january! and..he's the one who found me and persuaded me to do the long distance thing. i don't get it. so lame! but, at least the blog is safe. i guess i'll start dating again in a couple months after the bar. i don't gave the energy or desire to start any sooner. my heart hurts.

Anniversaries

Sometimes I get ridiculous about small things. I don’t know if it’s the girl in me, or what. I don’t know if it’s necessarily “girl” behavior, or just me. Here’s the newest haps with TB. The other day a friend asked how long TB and I have been together and when our anniversary is. I just stared back blankly. All of my friends apparently have anniversaries and the date is important. The Girl Scout and her boyfriend, Tiny Dancer (she gave him that name, not me) have been dating for a few months now, and they put their anniversary as the day they met. It was instant with them, and they’ve been practically inseparable ever since they met, which was at a bar. And he was in sweats. She was definitely blinded by love. It’s cute, cause the other day we were all at a party and Tiny Dancer made a comment about how he doesn’t even know how to handle it if they are separated for a night. I thought that was super sweet. I’ve never met this guy before, a few of us hadn’t, and he wasn’t afraid to show us all how much he cares for her. That’s a rare quality in a guy. So, their anniversary is the day they met. The Newlyweds celebrate every small anniversary. “This is the 4 year and 3 day anniversary of the first time we ate hamburgers together.” Ok, maybe not that small, but close. Anniversaries are very important to both of them, which is nice. I think it’s nice when it means as much to the guy as it does to the girl. The It Couple celebrates their year anniversary. He made it official with her on Valentine’s Day, because he knew he’d remember that. It’s cute that he knew he had a problem with dates and wanted to be sure to remember. Each year when it comes up, she thinks he’s going to forget or not make a big deal, and every year he does something nice in the way of taking her to a nice meal and buying her flowers and getting her a present. Those are all things she wants him to do, and he’s pretty good about knowing that’s what he’s supposed to do. And he comes through. I don’t know if it’s as natural on the part of It Boy as it is with Mr. Newlywed of Tiny Dancer, or if it’s more out of obligation. But, does the means really matter? I think all that is important is the ends: he comes through for her, and she feels so happy and special because he did come through. That’s what is the most important thing. So, I brought it up to TB, that we don’t have an anniversary. His answer was that I should choose a date, and that would be ok with him. How does one arbitrarily choose an anniversary date? Most times it’d be the first date or the first kiss, or some other big first. Perhaps the day the guy first took his head out of his ass and realized he didn’t want to lose the girl. Something big like that. But, our firsts are all weird. The first time I met him and held his hand was 3 months after we started talking, and well after we decided that we wouldn’t date anyone else. But, when did we come to that conclusion? I dunno. Some random date before we met in life. But, I feel like making the first time we met negates all of the relationship we established prior to that. Then again, I don’t even remember the first time he contacted me, which began this whole sordid affair. I remember our first Skype date, but that was Valentine’s day, and my best friend already has dibs on that day. It’d be too weird to have it on the same day. Then I realized that my favorite memory of talking to him was on Superbowl. It was the first time we talked a lot. He was at a party and I was at a party, but we spent the whole time talking to each other. And I invited him to Law Prom and he actually considered coming and tried to get the time off from work, though he couldn’t. It is the time I think about fondly as the real beginning of my feelings for him. I was excited about him at that time, though I was hesitant about him being so far away. But, I think I could consider that our first date of sorts, which works as an anniversary date. And, I think the fact that I’m using the Superbowl as the day to establish an anniversary makes it slightly less girly and cheesy. Right? I told him that date, and he said it sounded like the perfect date. He probably would have said that no matter what I said. “March 23, cause that was the day we figured out we both liked 1969 Ford Bronco’s, so I knew you were my soulmate.” “That sounds perfect, baby!” I know that would be his response. But, at least he’s happy. And he doesn’t think I’m lame for wanting an anniversary. I guess he knows that it’s important to me. I don’t think it’s as important to him. I think he subscribes to the It Boy school of thought: just do it to make the girl happy. Either way, here’s to February 7.

pet names

So, I’ve come to a very important stage in my blossoming relationship with TB: the pet name stage. I’ve never been big on pet names. I don’t think I’ve ever used a pet name with any previous boyfriend. But, it seems like I’m just feeling the need to use one with TB. It’s just something I have to do. But, how do you choose the perfect one? Is there a book of pet names, kind of how there’s a book of baby names? I think the pet name you choose determines how your relationship will be from that point on. For example, if you choose something like “schnookums”, your relationship is from that point on determined to be the kind of sappy relationship that makes other people not in it sick. Who wants to hang around a couple who says “Can you pass the butter, schnookums?” “Oh sure, my pookie wookie”?? I mean, I don’t. I would actually end a friendship if I ever witnessed that exchange. My stomach just isn’t strong enough. (Then again, it could be a great source of weight loss- I’d either be too sick to eat, or I’d promptly regurgitate any food I had previously consumed, but I couldn’t be accused of being bulimic. Maybe I will look into finding friends like this.) There’s the standard “babe”, but that just seems so cut and dry. Babe. Too many consonants for my particular liking. In my opinion, a pet name should be a little softer. Like a sweet whisper. I mean, otherwise, why not just use the person’s name. “Babe” is like a romantic poem in German. It just isn’t meant to be. There’s the inside joke which only the two of you get. Like, if I called him “Keeny”, cause he turned me on to my new favorite food, Quinoa, and so it’s only fitting that we make that our thing. But, that’s just going to require too much explanation if anyone else ever hears it. “I’m sorry, did you call him ‘Teeny’ just now? His nickname is ‘Teeny’? Why do you call him Teeny? That just sounds mean!” “No. ‘Keeny’ with a ‘K’ cause he got me hooked on Quinoa which is this amazing grain….” That’s just tiring. And, it requires a lot of thought. Plus, there’s the chance that while it means a lot to one partner, the other person may not even recall that event. And then that could lead to a huge argument. “I thought that MEANT something to you too!! It was the foundation of our entire relationship!!” That’s just awkward. “Darling” is way too formal. I’m not a 1920’s glamorous woman who smokes cigarettes in long holders and wears elbow length gloves with gowns and furs. Hmm, maybe I should be. Another option could be an embarrassing nickname, but TB is a trained killer, so I don’t think I’ll attempt that. I could use his last name, but that seems so masculine and unromantic. Not my thing. “Sweetie” just seems like something that Blanche, your local coffee shop waitress, would use while serving my pancakes. I don’t know if I want my man to associate me with a 63 year old waitress with orange hair and long red finger nails (isn’t that how you pictures Blanche?). We’ve been using “baby”, but that seems so unoriginal and cheesy. I limit its use to texts and emails; I have not yet been able to vocalize it. That just seems so cheesy. I really don’t know if I can say “Hey baby, how are you?” I instantly turn into a construction worker catcalling chicks if I say that. But, in writing it seems to work. “I hope you have a good day, baby.” He uses it to. I admit, I smile when I see it in a text. “I miss you, baby” or “I can’t wait til August, baby” in a random text totally makes me whole day! I guess that’ll work until we get something better. Or, I’ll just have to suck it up and start saying it out loud. I typed in his real name in a “pet name” generator which I found online and the outcome was: Lovey Hot Bon Bon. Um, I think I’ll stick with “baby” for now.

Here’s the link for the generator if you want to try it out:
http://www.links2love.com/nicknames.htm

86 days

I bought my post-bar exam plane ticket for North Carolina!!! I can’t even wait!! 86 more days til I get to see TB!!! I didn’t count the days, but Delta.com told me the number of days. I’m thinking of making an Advent-like calendar. Or, like in Kindergarten when we made the ring chain and you remove a ring every day. I may look into that. I suppose I have more important things to work on in the meantime. That pesky thing called “the bar”. [enter scary music here] I feel like that will help the time pass. I’m going to be so stressed out until July 29. And then I’ll sleep for a few days. And then I’ll go see him. That’s my plan. I could have left the day after, but I think it’s in my best interest to sleep for a few days. I doubt I’ll sleep well before then. Or shower much. Stinky, but true. So, after the bar will be sleep, shower, do laundry and then go. Maybe I’ll buy a new dress. I have 86 days to think about what I should wear when I see him. He’s really excited that I already have my ticket. I told him I’m a planner, and wanted to make sure that I had it, just cause that makes it more real to me. He’s more of a “wait til the last minute and then bitch that prices went up” type person. I guess we’re real different in some regards, but that’s ok. I can help him plan, he can help me calm down a little. Of course, I did get a ticket that could be returned or changed if need be. 86 days is a long time to go, and I have a knack for pissing people off, especially when stressed off. I’m sure I could pick a tasty fight with him which makes him want to run for the hills. I’m going to try to not though. I like him too much to pick fights with him just for fun. I like him more than I like drama. And, I really like drama. My family thinks I’m slightly crazy for going to see him. My brother keeps pointing out that there’s nothing for me to do there. He thinks I should have just bought TB a ticket to come out here. But, I want to see TB in his surroundings. I want to meet his friends and see how he lives in his own world, so I can picture it better when I’m not there. Like, when he says “I went to the beach today” I want to be able to picture the beach he’s going to and whatnot. And, it’s not as easy for him to get time off of work and travel a lot and stuff. If I’m there, he can still work. I can entertain myself during the day with tv or a book or something. I’m not even worried about that. I just want to be with him. I don’t even care about anything else. My mom thinks I’m going for too long. She thinks 10 days is too long. I think it’s not long enough. I want to go indefinitely, but I suppose that’s not likely. I do have a job I have to come home to. My boss is eager for me to start working. I just told him this morning that I won’t be back until at least August 16th. I guess I’m kind of eager to start working again. I really, really like my job. And, I’m stoked to have a job in the first place. It’ll allow me to travel to see TB more often until he moves here. It could be a year until he’s here if he gets accepted into a special program he’s applying for. That requires like 7months of training after he starts. It’s ok. I can deal with him not being here for a while longer, cause I know he’s worth it. And it’ll just make us appreciate being together that much more when we are. But, in the meantime, 86 DAYS!!!

FBO

What is it about facebook that makes everything official? Like, you know something really happened because you saw it on facebook. I found out that Heath Ledger and Brittany Murphy died through status updates. I found out about the earthquake in Haiti through facebook. I learned that a friend from high school died and that one needed a kidney donor through facebook. I learned that several friends were married through facebook (obviously they weren’t good friends, but still.). It’s just amazing what facebook can do. I joined the ranks of making things "facebook official" today: I changed my relationship status to “in a relationship”. One of my friends said that it’s official because it’s on facebook (or, FBO, if you will). And she was so right! It’s now official. I’ve told the world: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND! Isn’t that what making it FBO is doing? It’s shouting from the proverbial mountaintops (a friend from school is probably going to criticize my use of “proverbial” there by saying that’s probably not a proverb. He can shove it. I’m using it.) Is it the publicizing that makes it so exciting? “I’m going to put this out there and don’t care who sees it!” I was a little worried that TB will think it’s lame. I haven’t had my relationship status public since I started facebook many, many moons ago. I didn’t see the need to shout from the mountaintops “I’M SINGLE!!!!!!!!” You know? But, now I have a boyfriend. That’s exciting. And newsworthy. I don’t know if TB is going to change his status. I don’t know if I really care. He said he’s not going to just to make me mad. Such a caring mate I’ve chosen. Who am I kidding? I love that he pisses me off on purpose. Keeps me on my toes. I’m not going to mention my change in status. I’ll let him discover that on his own; see what he does with it. I just love that within seconds of my changing the status, several of my good girlfriends commented. I’m shocked. Ok, not really. I was kind of hoping that my friends would comment. It’s like being giddy and squealing that someone wants to date me. YAY! His mom is my facebook friend. I’m wondering if she’ll comment. Maybe she’ll tell her son to change his status. He may not just because she’ll tell him to. I’m just excited that I feel confident enough in our relationship that I was able to change it. I mean, you don’t want to do it if you’re unsure, cause then if/when you break up, you have to change it back. And no one wants that to be public. I think people are less inclined to shout from the mountaintops “I got dumped!!” Though, at least that elicits sympathy and pity. Friends offering to come over with ice cream and movies. But still, not something you want to go through. It’s only change worthy when you’re confident. I’m confident in TB. I like him a lot, and I know he’s crazy about me too. He tells me that daily. Yesterday he told me that he was going through withdrawals. I pointed out that he gets to see me soon in August. I know that’s not so long, but it was my turn to convince him that’s not so long. In a few days when I’m sad about the distance, it’ll be his turn to calm me down by repeating the same thing I told him. We have a cute little unspoken pattern. But hey, at least we (read: I) took the step today of making it FBO. And, as one of my girlfriends said “It's a pretty exciting day in a girl’s life when she gets to change her FB status.” I couldn’t agree more. Let’s hope he agrees. I’d hate to have to change my status back already.

weightloss

I have a question: where is the line between a boyfriend being supportive of a girl losing weight and just being mean? TB is super supportive of me losing weight, because I brought up that I want to be in better shape. He encourages me to workout by telling me which body part to concentrate on when lifting weights. (For example, the other day was “delts” day, and I thought I would workout my shoulders by punching him in the face for suggesting it. But instead, I did real weight workouts, and was in so much pain for the next 3 days. Apparently sitting on the sofa watching tv and playing on facebook do not workout my shoulder, excuse me, delt muscles very much). He’s also really cute, cause whenever I prance back after a workout like a giddy 5 year old showing off her newest macaroni art project, he encourages me and says how proud he is of me. Or, when I tell him he can shove his workout plan where the sun doesn’t shine, he tells me that he likes me the way I am, and that it’s me who wants to get better. I hate when he uses sweet logic! But, I have to admit, it’s the perfect motivator. His motivator is looking at his muscles in the mirror to see what he likes, and what he wants to work on. I use his being proud of me to encourage me to get my lazy butt to the gym. I guess whatever it takes is good, right? So in addition to going to the gym, I’ve been trying to eat healthier. Trying is the key word there, as I fueled up on In-N-Out so I could write this blog. But, mostly it’s been this amazing whole wheat pasta with a smidge or pesto, spinach and tomato for dinner, and whole wheat bread with avocado, tomato and basil for breakfast. Oh, I’ve also been eating quinoa with shrimp, snow peas, and asparagus. I feel better when I eat healthier. Like right now my stomach feels like it has a lead ball in it. Tomorrow it’ll be back to my wheat regime. But, again, I feel like being healthier is just going to be better all around, and it makes TB proud of me, which is the added icing on the cake. Mmmm. Cake. Oops, I guess I’m still learning to work with this whole diet thing. But, while TB is so nicely supportive, where is the line? I had a girlfriend once who wanted to lose weight and get in shape because she was doing a charity triathlon. We all went out to a club one night, and went to a diner afterwards at 3am. She was going to order something pretty unhealthy (like a cheeseburger or cheese fries, or something cheesily delicious) and her new boyfriend said “Are you sure you want to eat that this late at night?” See, I thought that was really nice of him. Very considerate. A) he said it really nicely. Not “I can’t believe you’re going to stuff your fat face, fat ass!” That’d be mean. But, he gently reminded her she shouldn’t eat that. B) She was pretty drunk, and didn’t have the same control she had when she was sober (yes, I understand that I shouldn’t be talking about a person drinking when they are trying to be healthy. But, I don’t think a few drinks every once in a while is too bad. And, this girlfriend had a very, very low tolerance. 2 drinks and she was puking.) C) SHE wanted to be healthy and SHE wanted to lose weight. Her boyfriend didn’t want her to lose weight. He didn’t think she needed to change. She was beautiful the way she was. SHE was the one who wanted to get in shape for the triathlon. Again, I thought there wasn’t anything wrong with what he did. But man, my friends wouldn’t let him live it down. (Well, I don’t actually think they said anything to him or her about it, but they would talk and talk and talk about it when he wasn’t around) They all thought he overstepped by telling her not to get the [whatever food it was]. They thought he was insensitive and rude. I thought he was being helpful and sweet, and was really just looking out for her best interest. I know that if she were sober she wouldn’t have ordered it. And, when he pointed it out, she didn’t order it. Even in her inebriated state, she knew he was right. So, where is the line? Is there a line, or is it best that a guy doesn’t even bring up weight or weightloss out of fear that the girlfriend or her friends will jump all over him as some heartless and cruel dictator? I think sometimes it’s nice to have a food Jiminy Cricket to help one out when self-control is low. And, some girls need the encouragement of their boyfriend to help motivate. In any case, I think that TB is doing it right by being nice and supportive and not being judgmental or making me feel bad about life. He doesn’t make me feel bad about the occasional slip up with fast food or cake. And he lets me know that he likes me exactly as I am, and that anything else will be added bonus. It’s like reverse psychology: he’s ok with me the way I am, so I want to be better for him; at least the best me that I can be. That damn Marine is too smart!