4th of july plans

The Fourth of July is coming up. I love the Fourth of July. It’s easily top 5 of my favorite holidays. It’s just always such a fun day. The weather is warm. It’s in the middle of the summer. And I love fireworks, more than anything. They’re so fun and magical and romantic. I want to sit and watch the fireworks while cuddling with a boy. I guess that’s slightly impossible since I’m not dating anyone. The last few 4th of July’s have been fun. My dad had a beach party on the 3rd and we pre-celebrated with bbqs and good times. Then on the 4th we were a little more mellow, and I watched the fireworks with my parents. 4 years ago I was in the hospital, and my parents stayed and watched the fireworks on tv with me, and my sister brought a picnic to my hospital room and we celebrated that way. I love my family. They always come through no matter what and make the best of any situation. They could have left me there on my own, but of course they didn’t. Maybe that’s why I like to spend the 4th with them still. It’s like a thank you for them being there for me then. Plus, we always had a huge party when I was growing up. My grandpa’s birthday was July 3, so we always had these HUGE parties with like several hundred people and fireworks and live bands. It’s always been a fun family event. This year I’m still trying to figure out what to do. My friends down here all seem to be doing their own thing. I think the thing that makes it different for me is that if I don’t have plans, I end up in my apartment alone watching fireworks. If they don’t have plans, they all have contingency plans in their significant others, and won’t end up alone. I need to make plans ahead of time. There are a lot of different options I have to choose from. My sister is going to be down here, so I could go meet up with her and her boyfriend. My brother is going to be crazy partying on the Peninsula, but I don’t really feel like dealing with that madness on my own if my friends aren’t with me. The Comic is going to some house party or something. Some of my friends from high school are having a party in Redondo Beach and they want me to come since I haven’t hung out with them in a while. I think that would be a lot of fun, but I don’t know how many people I’m going to know there, and I get shy around strangers. But, maybe it’s time I put on my big girl pants and go and make new friends. Plus, who knows who will be there or what will happen. I think it’ll be fun. That’s probably what I’ll end up doing. It starts early with a champagne breakfast, and then we’ll spend all day at the beach and whatnot. It will be good times for sure. Or, maybe I’ll end up at my parents place. They’re just going to be low key and watch the fireworks at beach at their place. That is always a fun option. I guess I feel ok since I have options. I won’t end up sitting alone. I texted the Cop to see if he wanted to hang out. It was this time last year that we were talking. I had just met him and then he went home on vacation to Virginia for a few weeks. We talked all day everyday, including on the 4th. I stayed home talking to him and just watched the fireworks with my folks. So, since we’ve been cool, I thought it’d be fun to actually hang out with him this year. But, I haven’t heard back. Who knows if I will. I don’t get him. At. All. He texts me and wants to hang out and we have fun and then he disappears and I don’t hear from him for weeks. It’s weird. I’m guessing that means he’s just not into me. This will be my last attempt trying to hang out with him. If I don’t hear back, then I’m kind of over it. I hope I hear back, and that even if we don’t hang out on the 4th, we eventually hang out at some point. I’m willing to be patient and work around his hectic schedule, but dude. My patience has a point!

Speaking of my patience, I’m super done with TB. We talked the other day (in response to the email I sent him) and I thought we could be friendly and start talking again and see what happens. But, I decided that I just need to cut ties and move on. He has so much to figure out that he needs to deal with on his own. And my talking to him is not going to allow me to move on. I just need to cut ties and not even think about him anymore. And, this time I mean it. I went to the midnight screening of Eclipse last night (SO GOOD!!!) and it’s like, Bella has a werewolf and a vampire fighting over her. I at least deserve a dude to make an effort with me. I’m not asking for supernatural beings to fight for my love. Just a phone call from a dude saying hi. I know that I put in too much effort with dudes, and I shouldn’t have to. I shouldn’t need to. I don’t need to. I need to just sit back and be pursued. I need to stifle my desire to take control of situation and put in effort. I need to channel my inner-1950’s proper girl, and just let the boy take control. Yes, I realize the irony that I’m saying this right after I said that I texted the Cop to see if he wanted to hang out. That’s why I’m done if I don’t hear back. If he wants to hang out, he’ll call me. If not, then it’s not supposed to happen.

And in other news, I just planned a trip to Puerto Rico for August. I’m going with one of my girlfriends from school. I think it’s going to be amazing! We’re going for 7 nights, and staying at this amazing hotel. It’s right on the beach and looks just amazing. And there’s a pool with a bar in it, which I’m excited about using. It’s going to be relaxing and fun and exciting and I can’t wait!! This is the first trip I’ve ever taken without my sister, which is weird. That almost makes me a little sad. But, I’m excited for this trip, and it’ll be cool. It’s not the North Carolina trip I originally planned, but things have a way of working out, and I think Puerto Rico is going to be a wonderful back-up plan.

Little boy games

Yesterday was my parent’s 40th anniversary! 40! I can’t even believe it! I mean, that’s impressive, considering my mom has to put up with my dad’s dumb jokes and harebrained schemes and my dad puts up with my mom’s nagging. And they both had to put up with me. It just blows the mind! 40 years. I want 40 years. I want 50 years. My brother points out that 50 years is still possible. I’ll just be really old. I’d like to be able to enjoy my 50 years, not be in a diaper for most of them. But, with the way things are going lately, I’m lucky to make it to 50 days with 1 dude. Let me tell you how I spent my parents anniversary:

**Attention Sister: you can stop reading now, and just sigh and say I told you so. I’ll save you 3 minutes of your life**

So Baby Marine got back from the field on Saturday. I know this because of facebook. The wonderful world of facebook. He texted me Sunday morning and said he was back at work cause his Marines looked horrible and he was making them be in formation, or some weird military thing like that. I said welcome back to civilization (if 29 Palms can be considered that) and that I was glad the desert didn’t eat him. Later on I texted him that since his birthday is on Tuesday, I’d like to take him out for a birthday beer sometime this week. He responded that it was going to be a long week at work with him full of long days since his Marines performed so badly in the field. (I always think it’s funny when he talks about “his marines” cause he’s only a Lance Corporal. I mean, I guess that’s good cause you’ve been promoted a couple times, but it’s also kind of weird, cause it’s not that high and you’re still trying to work your way up the chain, but you still have to salute a ton of dudes.) I responded that that was too bad, and that we could raincheck it for another time if he wanted. He responds a couple hours later “Sorry, I can’t think week, but my roommate said he’d take you up on the beers, lol.” Um, yeah, I got from the first time that you said you couldn’t this week that you, in fact, couldn’t this week. But, thanks for the clarification? So, I decided to just call instead of text him back. His roommate answers and says Baby Marine is busy playing video games and that he (the roommate) would go out for beers with me. I say no thanks, the offer is nontransferable. He acts all hurt. Um, did he seriously think I would go out with him? A) that’s just weird. B) he’s some manager of an auto parts store. Seriously? So, I ask him to put Baby Marine on the phone, he won’t. I hang up. By now, I’m super pissed and want to know what the heck is going on. I know, I should have just said screw it and not called back, but when can I ever leave well enough alone?? So, I call back, and the roommate answers, but pretends to be Baby Marine. As if I wouldn’t know the difference?? I’m not retarded! So, he keeps trying to convince me that he’s Baby Marine, and I’m getting so pissed off and agitated. Are we seriously playing this game that 12 year olds play?? I’m almost 30 years old, and THIS is what I’m dealing with???? So I hang up again. Then I text him “Lose my number, you immature douchebag. I don’t have time for little boys and their games.” There were slightly more expletives in there. And, by slightly more, I mean like 20 more. Then I deleted his number and deleted him from facebook. Deleted him from my life. I really should have known better. My gut told me from the beginning that he sucked and that I shouldn’t trust him. It’s really my own fault for thinking that some 25 year old kid was mature enough to date me. I’m sure there are plenty of mature 25 year olds, I’m guessing they’re just not in the Marine Corps. I need to start dating older guys, and professional guys. That’s what my new plan is. My mom wants me to date my brother’s new buddy/neighbor. He has to be around 35 or 36, and just got hired on to work for Homeland Security at the airport near my house. He is covered head to toe in tattoos (literally, covered…as in, his knuckles have tattoos) which is why I was surprised that my mom would even consider him. She almost had a heart attack when she discovered my 1 discreetly placed tattoo. But, the funny thing is, this guy was a Marine like 12 years ago. Ok, so possibly I do have a type. I met the neighbor once, but it was when TB was here, and I was sidetracked by being all in love with TB. He’s a bigger guy, and normally I like shorter and super skinny guys (though, lately I’ve been going to stupid muscly Marines). But, maybe I should trust that my mom knows what she’s talking about and seriously consider my brother’s buddy. Then again, my brother is super protective, and I don’t know if he’d even let me consider his buddy. I may see them all on the 4th of July. We’ll see what happens.

Oh, and speaking of TB, I may have, in my anger, sent him an email yesterday blaming him for the douchebaggery of Baby Marine. Well, not blaming him for that specifically, but blaming him for being the dumb one who forced me to go back into the dating pool, when we were so good together and had such a promising future. If he hadn’t freaked out, I wouldn’t have had to go through this. I totally blame him!

normal dude?

What the heck does it take to meet a normal dude?? Mr. Hottie Hot Hot texted me yesterday, and we spent all evening/night texting back and forth. It was really cute. He said he really liked that I have such a great personality (does that mean I’m ugly??) and how rare it is to meet a girl who has any personality (don’t people have personalities just by virtue of being people??). He was being cute without trying too hard. And, a couple times he sent a text which I didn’t think warranted responses, so I didn’t, and then I’d get another text from him like 10 minutes later. It was so nice and fun. Well, then I see on facebook that he’s posted his status “All the beautiful ladies out there, post a comment if you know you’re hot” or something completely retarded and ridiculous like that!! Seriously?? How CHEESY is that?? So, my first inclination was “nice, you’re showing that you have all these chick friends and that you think they’re hot, and that’s weird.” A ton of girls responded. “Oh Hottie Hot Hot, you’re so funny!” or “Holla!” (which I couldn’t tell if it was a white chick trying to be hip, or if she didn’t know how to spell “hola”. Either way, lame.) I decided to just not be too annoyed by it, and just kind of tuck it away in the memory bank. That’s my new plan of attack: instead of instantly reacting to things, just tuck it away in the memory bank. I’ll have different categories: Cheesy, Horribly Cheesy, Sketchy, Questionable, Douche-baggery, and Sketchy but forgivable because he’s hot or in uniform (this applies to military, firemen and police). I think this new method will work, and it’ll give me time to reflect upon the actions and decide if I’m really bothered or not. It’ll probably make life better to proactively problem-avoid, rather than retroactively problem-solve. The problem is that I have this temper, and then I feel bad after. So, I just need to learn to chill for a bit and then decide whether I’m going to attack or not. Plus, if I plan it out, my attacks will be better. But, back to Mr. Hottie Hot Hot. He’s cheesy. I don’t know if we’re destined to be together after all. I mean, he seems pretty cool. But, I think we’re such different types of people. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll for sure meet him when he gets back. But, I’m not planning on anything working out there. The nice thing about him is he seems to appreciate my randomness. Like, he asked how my week was. And, instead of a nice, normal answer, I replied: “It was like a giant beach party. Only, substitute the beach with my apartment, and party with studying. Otherwise, totally similar!” He thought that was hilarious. I think his actual response was something like “That’s classic!” Kind of cute. He uses smiley faces in his texts a lot too, which I also enjoy. I don’t know why I enjoy when dudes use smileys. Maybe cause I enjoy using them so often. Don’t get me wrong, I’m really excited to meet him. He seems so nice. I guess it’s just hard to be excited over a guy I barely have had a chance to talk to, and I’m used to being really excited about a guy right off the bat. This is weird nonchalance, but I know he’s just busy. It’s just hard to tell how he’s going to be when he’s here. If this is how he is when he’s here, then that’s not a match. But, I guess that’s where this whole “patience” thing comes to play. Ugh! I don’t know if I will ever get used to being patient, or being content with texts on a Friday night and then nothing for a few days cause the dude is busy. That’s what I dug about Baby Marine- he was a constant communicator. I eat that stuff up! But, I guess when a guy is quick to text all the time, he’s also quick to lose interest and move on to the next shiny toy. Though, TB texted all the time, and he wasn’t quick to lose interest. He just couldn’t handle distance. Or something. I guess we’ll see what happens with Mr. Hottie Hot Hot. If nothing else, it was a nice distraction from my Friday night spent at home studying. I can’t wait til this stupid test is over. And then, I’m going to Puerto Rico with a girlfriend!!!! YAY!!! Maybe I’ll meet some hot Puerto Rican. Yeah, cause that’s what I need in my life: a random fling with a hot Puerto Rican. Um, yeah, maybe that is exactly what I need!

me time

Sometimes things just fall into place and seem so awesome. This week has been one of those weeks where life just seems right. It’s been an amazing week. Maybe it’s because I have a new lease on life and I’ve realized that I’m happy on my own. Tonight was so much fun. This whole week has been fun. I’ve just been enjoying the company of myself and my friends. Tonight It Girl and Mrs. Newlywed came over to my house and we shared a bottle of wine and talked, laughed, gossiped. Oh, and we watched Whose Wedding Is It Anyway, cause wedding shows are so much fun! Girls night is always so much fun. I love just hanging out with my girlfriends and enjoying each other’s company, without needing to go out and be stressed. Just staying mellow and hanging out. Though, right now I’m slightly buzzed and watching a horrible show NBC. I’m just waiting for the results show for So You Think You Can Dance to start. This horrible, horrible, horrible show is wasting my time now. Ok, back to my fabulous week. So, yesterday I went down to the spa with It Girl and a bottle of wine. That was so relaxing. At first, we were the only people there. Well, it was us and a guy with a snorkel. Like, a grown man in his 40s wearing a snorkel in the spa. Yeah, it was as weird and creepy as it sounds. But, it was so nice to just sit in the spa and relax after stressful studying all week. More people showed up. I was surprised how many people were in the spa. Maybe I should start hanging out there more often. Who knows who I could meet? But, I also hate being in public in a bathing suit. That was a huge step for me. Though, I actually laid out by the pool a few days ago. I have a really annoying sunburn on my stomach to prove it. I’m trying to even out my farmer’s tan, but it seems to be getting worse. Maybe I just need to lay out a few more times. It was actually productive on top of being relaxing. A friend who took the bar a few years ago gave me study materials on CD, which I uploaded to my ipod. So, I listened to Property lectures while catching some rays. If that isn’t productive multi-tasking, then I don’t know what is. Let’s see, what else made this an awesome week? Oh, I bought 2 really cute dresses today with a gift card that The Adorables gave me for a graduation present. Really, really cute dresses. It Girl said I’m turning into my sister since I’m always wearing dresses. I said maybe a little of my sister is rubbing off on me, but I’ll never give up my lounge wear, and I can’t think of a time I’ve ever seen my sister in lounge wear and not dressed in a cute dress. Even when lounging. She’s just always put together. I don’t think I’d put on a dress to run to Target. She would. Well, she wouldn’t go to Target. She’d order online. But, the point is that she would put on a dress in her hypothetical Target run. And the much larger point is that I had an awesome week doing things for myself and because I wanted to. I didn’t think or worry about my (lack of) dating life. I didn’t worry about making plans because maybe some guy would call and want to hang out or something. I did things on my own and had a wonderful week. It’s just more proof that I’m great on my own. I don’t need a man. Would one be nice to have around? Well, of course. Part of me is jealous that my girlfriends went home to their men. But, at the same time, I now get to lie down on my couch and watch So You Think You Can Dance while eating a root beer float without worrying whether that’s what my boy wants to do or not. It’s what I want to do. So, I can do it. That’s the perk of being single. It’s what I love about being single. It’s what I’ll miss about not being single the next time I have a boyfriend. And, the thing is, I know that I’ll eventually have another boyfriend. I've been talking to Mr. Hottie Hot Hot a little. But, it's rare, cause he's busy, which means I actually get really excited when I do get an email from him. I'm actually really nervous for him to call. I forgot how much I love this feeling! Why do I want to rush it? I kind of hope he doesn't call soon, cause I want to really enjoy the anticipation! I think the key to life is to enjoy my single time, my alone time, my me time. And when I learn how to cherish myself, then I’ll be ready to let a guy cherish me too and won’t be as clingy or needy. In the meantime, I love me.

Pro Con List

Would I rather have a job or a boyfriend? I have a job. I do not have a boyfriend. Would I rather it was the other way around? Let’s make a pro/con list and see:

*My job will pay the bills. Point Job.

*The right boyfriend will pay the bills. Point BF.

*My job will wear me out so that I’m tired by the end of the day and sleep well at night. Point Job.

*A boyfriend will wear me out so that I’m tired by the end of the day and sleep well at night. Point BF.

*My job will stimulate me mentally. Point Job.

*The type of guys I normally go for stimulate me other ways. Point BF.

*My job lets me interact with criminals, which is exhilarating. Point Job.

*The guys I normally date are criminals. Point BF.

*My job allows me to dress up. Point Job.

*Some boyfriends like me to dress up. Point BF.

*My job provides me with free office supplies when my boss isn’t looking. Point Job.

*The guys I date don’t buy me anything. Flowers, chocolates, nothing. No points.

*My job took me nearly 30 years and lots and lots and lots of school for me to get. No points.

*I’ve been through lots of crappy boyfriends who have taught me a lot about myself. Point BF. (Yeah, that’s a point, because I think all the pain and heartache has made me stronger and who I am. And it was a lovely excuse to gorge on chocolate and ice cream.)

*My job gives me something to do most days. Point Job.

*A boyfriend would give me something to do most days. Two points BF.

*My parents are proud of me for my job. Point Job.

*My parents hate most guys I date. No points.

Ok, so it’s close, but looks like job wins. Ok, I might be trying to make myself feel better and have rigged the list. There’s nothing wrong with loving my job though. There’s especially nothing wrong with loving my job when I’m single and have nothing else to love. I don’t even have a puppy to love. And my one house plant isn’t especially cuddly. (I am quite proud that I’ve had it for 3 months and it’s still alive though! How’s that for a green thumb?!) Here’s my new realization though: my job makes me happy; it makes me who I am. I love being successful and can’t wait to really start working and prove myself. I can’t wait til I am in a courtroom pleading my client’s case to a jury of 12 peers. It’s going to be so exciting when I start earning the paychecks and start supporting myself completely. And, it’s the fact that I’m learning to love who I am independently that will allow me to find a man who really loves me. I know that I am smart and worthy of being loved by someone. I don’t need to beg people to cherish me. I don’t need to beg a man to complete me. I am complete on my own. I am fine on my own. I’m better than fine: I’m happy on my own. I love myself. And now I’m ready to let someone love me. It’s time that I stop doing anything that I can to get attention from a guy. I don’t need to drive to 29 Palms to get a guy to hang out with me. He needs to drive out here for me. I don’t need to call a guy to make sure he’s thinking about me. He needs to prove to me that he’s thinking about me, or else I’ll forget about him. I don’t need to buy someone a present because I was thinking about him and wanted to do something nice for him just to be cute and show him that I care. He needs to do that for me. Don’t get me wrong, I’d still do all that, and gladly so. But, I won’t do it in the beginning. I won’t do it until he shows me that he’s worth it. Why am I wasting my time doing nice things for guys who haven’t proven themselves worthy? I’m ready to provide happiness for myself and no longer feel like I need to find it elsewhere. I’m ready to show men that I don’t need them: they’re lucky to get any of my attention, and if they don’t treat me right and keep my interest, I’m ready to move on.

Mr. Hottie Hot Hot

How does one date someone who is so incredibly sexy and good looking that one knows the person is out of their league? Hmm, I don’t know if I put that clearly. Let me try again. How can I date some really incredibly good looking dude who I know is way hotter than me? I’m used to dating very good looking guys. Most of the guys I’ve dated are very good looking. I can only think of a couple who were “average”. Of course, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and what I find to be very good looking isn’t the typical Brad Pitt pretty-boy type. I tend to prefer a more gritty, Johnny Depp type hottie. I like the guy who has a scruffy face or unkempt hair. I like a guy who has oil on his hands cause he just got done working on his car. I like the guy who has a wicked farmers tan cause he was out working in the field or something like that. I like a guy who does some active job, not one who sits behind some desk every day. Not that those guys can’t be hot. They’re just not who I am usually attracted to. But, I think the good looking guys who I date are usually pretty evenly matched to me. I mean, I’m not conceited, but I think I’m fairly attractive. I’m not God’s gift or anything. But, I also don’t make small children run and hide. Well, one of my good buddies has a friend he wants to hook me up with. He told me to add his buddy on facebook so we could start chatting. I did and we have. He’s actually pretty cool. I admit, I was a little hesitant because, he is SUPER good looking. My sister says she thinks he’s just photogenic. I think he’s drop dead gorgeous. There’s a picture of him on facebook with no shirt and…holy cow!! I figured he’d be some lame guy who didn’t need girls to get past his looks. My buddy assured me that he was actually cool. So, we started emailing each other yesterday. Turns out, he is really cool. Totally down to earth and pretty funny. He’s a former Marine, who is now in the reserves and going back to school to finish his degree. Maybe he’s the type of guy I need to start thinking about. I’m tired of Marines. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll always love Marines. But, maybe me and the Marine Corps just weren’t meant to be. This guy is tough. But now he’s out and going to live a more normal life. Kind of cool. He’s currently doing some training thing in Virgina for another 3 weeks. It’s to get him some credentials which will then help him get a Federal job or something. I’m not entirely sure. But, he’s back in 3 weeks, and he wants to take me out. I feel like I need to start preparing now. 5 hours of gym a day and eating only 300 calories a day, combined with mass amounts of lounging by the pool to get tan. That’s my plan for getting ready. I think that sounds perfect! Seriously though, I’m kind of excited to meet him. He seems really nice. And, even though he’s so incredibly good looking, I don’t worry that he’ll end up playing me like I worried about Baby Marine. It would have been cool if Baby Marine was not the player I think he is, but I know in my heart I’m right. I don’t know. I mean, I’ll guess we’ll see what happens. He’s in the field for a week. Who knows if he’ll even call me when he gets back. But, if we do hang out again (I think I just heard my sister groan), it will be because he is coming out here and making the effort. My brother gave me a huge pep talk today about how I’m lowering myself to these loser guys because I’m not as self-confident as I should be. He said I need to realize that I just graduated from law school and how awesome that is and how these guys should be lucky to know me. He then said they treat me like crap to break me so then they feel like they can be more on my same level. It’s insecurity on their part, and I’m playing right into it. So, the next time a guy hurts me, I need to just say “screw him!” and walk away, knowing that I’m better than that. It’s so much easier to say when I’m happy and not suffering from current heartbreak. But, I know that he’s right, and I need to get that attitude. I am worth it. I know I am. Hopefully Mr. Hottie Hot Hot won’t break my heart so I won’t have to. Yes, I’m already picturing how nice he’ll look in our wedding pictures. Ok, maybe not. I’m not going to rush things. I’ll wait til after our first date to start planning the wedding.

right decisions

I’m not going to see the new new Marine anymore. I think I’ll dub him Baby Marine, though at this point, after deciding to be done with him, it’s probably pointless to name him. But, whatever. I like the name Baby Marine. Ok, so I decided to stop seeing him. Here’s why:

I really just have a feeling that he’s bad news. I mean, I do like him. That’s probably my first indication that he’s bad news. We hung out on Wednesday, and it was so much fun! It was easy and effortless. We totally clicked and had awesome chemistry. I feel like it was natural. Like, we just got along. It didn’t seem like a first meeting; it was almost like we’d known each other for years. For example, he quizzed me on notecards I had with me to study. Kind of cute, right? I don’t know. I just have this gut feeling that something isn’t right. I can’t shake the feeling that he’s just saying what I want to hear and that he’s going to play me. Maybe this is all in my head, but I’ve decided to go with my gut here. I can’t get hurt by another Marine. I’m trying to be logical here. I just think it’s in my interest to cut things early when I can do it, and to just focus on the Bar. I was spending too much time thinking about him anyway. So, that’s my new decision. It’s sad, cause like I said, I had a great time with him. But, I just don’t think it’s the rational choice for my life right now. I think I need to be done with Marines in general. They’re fun and exciting, but maybe not the most stable choice for my life now. I think that I need to just put dating on hold, and focus on studying. The Bar is rapidly approaching and I’m getting more stressed. That could be why I’m ending things with Baby Marine. I’m just stressed. But, I know it’s for the best, so, I guess that’s it.

will i ever learn??

They say old dogs can’t learn new tricks. Maybe I’m an old dog, cause I can’t learn the new trick of not dating Marines. Ok, that was a stretch, I know. Let’s just please move on. I’ve been moping around crying for a couple weeks now. I’ll have a couple good days of “screw that bastard!!” followed by curling up and crying on my sofa. I’ve been weak and pathetic. I guess that’s normal when you break up with someone, but I still feel weak and pathetic. I really wish I could be the strong kind of girl who could just be over the dude and not care. But, I’m getting there. I thought maybe hanging out with the Cop didn’t go as well as I’d hoped cause it was just too soon. But, I’ve come to the realization that it didn’t cheer me up cause it’s not the right situation. Here’s how I came to that realization: I met a new guy. Ok, so I went online to see if TB had been online. I discovered he had, and it broke my heart. Something good came of it though. Because I was online, this cute guy saw my profile and he sent me a smile. I smiled back. Then he emailed me. I emailed back. We emailed back and forth a few times. Then yesterday when I was writing him back, he imed me. We spent 4 hours chatting on im. It was so much fun! We exchanged numbers and he told me to text him if I was bored. I said ok. I decided not to text him, at least not right away. Maybe in a few days I’d send him a text. I didn’t have the chance to wait, cause he texted me about 45 minutes later saying he couldn’t stop thinking about me and how he really enjoyed our chat. We then texted back and forth for about 3 hours. Then he called me and we talked on the phone for 2 hours. I don’t think I’ve laughed as hard or smiled as much in a long time. The conversation was fun and easy. But, we also covered some serious things, as he thinks it’s better to get all of the dirty secrets out in the beginning so that the other person will decide if they still want to stick around. I believe in that theory as well, but then again, my dirty secrets aren’t all that dirty. His, well, he has some dirty secrets. First it started with the fact that he used to party a lot and did a lot of drugs. Ok, that’s kind of not that shocking. I know a few people who have done/still do lots of drugs. I mean, not that I support drug use, but I wouldn’t hold that kind of a past against someone, as long as they’re clean now. I won’t date druggies anymore. He’s a Marine, so I don’t think that he can be a druggie now. The next big secret is that he has a child. I knew that one, cause I saw pictures of his kid on facebook (oh, I forgot to say that he added me on facebook yesterday). His son is 15 months old and absolutely adorable. I like kids, and I’m not certain that I ever want to have my own kids. If I ever had kids, I’d probably adopt. And, he has a son, so hopefully he’s good on procreating. (I guess if I was with a man who really wanted his own children, or more, then I’d consider it at that point.) His son lives in Ohio with the mom. Which leads me to point three. He’s divorced. Well, he’s actually twice divorced. He got married really young and was married for 9 months. And then his second wife, he married her because she got pregnant. He tried to do the right thing, and they just didn’t work out. They’d only known each other for a few months when she was pregnant. They stayed together for almost 2 years, but decided in the end that they should split and she should move back to Ohio. She’s already dating someone new. A cop. She sounds like a girl after my own heart: Marines and cops. I don’t mind him having a kid. But, the ex-wives, that seems like a HUGE red flag!! But, he was also straight forward about it and wanted to make sure I knew so that I could decide if I was ok with it or not. He said that he also doesn’t want me to think that he rushes in or out of things, but that he made some stupid decisions, and he tried to make them work, but they just didn’t. He also said that the next girl he even thinks about marrying, he’ll live with for at least 6 months before to make sure that they’re compatible. I think that’s a good idea. I mean, living with someone is a lot different from spending a lot to time together. I think that you are never truly comfortable with someone if it’s “their space”.

So, that’s all the dirty laundry which he aired. I told him about my back problems and my slight limp. He seemed ok with that. Is it sad that that is basically the extent of my dirty laundry?? I told him about my drinking days and leaving college in the middle, but compared to his drug use and the fact that I’m a recent law school graduate, I don’t think it was that dirty of laundry. After 2 hours, we hung up. He said he’d call me tomorrow. Then, about 30 minutes later he texted me “wow! Really enjoyed taking 2 you 2day! Kinda anxious for 2moro so I can call you again. Sleep good hun.” So cute right?? But then I think “wow, he said the same kind of things to at least his 2 wives.” Though, the good thing is that he hasn’t had a lot of girlfriends, I suppose. He’s been too busy being married. Is being married for 9 months really that different from having a serious girlfriend or living with someone? I dunno. This morning he texted me and has been texting me from work. He even texted me to tell me that he was going to the gym and that he’d hit me up later. He says that he likes to spend all of his free time with the person he’s dating, which is good. And you know I don’t mind all the texts. I just don’t know if I need another Marine in my life. But, the fact that he’s close is nice. He’s stationed in 29 Palms. Ok, so not close, per se. It’s still 2.5 hours away. But, it’s closer than North Carolina. I really think the only problem with TB and I was that he was in North Carolina. Maybe this will be better. I think that I’m going to be cautious about this one. I’m hoping that he’s cool in real life and that we’ll hit it off. I won’t meet him for a couple weeks, cause he’s going on a 12 day training mission. That’s fine with me, cause I need to focus on the Bar anyway. At least the Bar is going to force me to take it slow. The Comic says I need to take things slow, and I know that I do. I just don’t really know how to. But, I’m going to try. I’m going to not be so available and focus on my priorities and my friends, and see how things go with him. Besides, I still don’t know if I should just run the other way now. I think for the sake of the blog, I should see this one through. I don’t know.

Oh, and did I mention that he’s 25? Well, he turns 26 on June 29th. But, yeah, I’m almost 30. I’m such a cougar!!!! But then I think about the Adorables, and how Ms. Adorable is 30 and Mr. Adorable is 23. And they are the most perfect and adorable couple ever!!!! So, maybe age is just a number. That’s what this guy says anyway.

Thinking

I’ve done some thinking. Well, last night I was home drinking a bottle of wine and watching True Blood episodes to catch up for the start of season 3, and I did some thinking. Another Friday night, and I’m home by myself. Such is life, I suppose. Anyway, back to my thinking. So I’ve done some thinking. I’m not interested in dating the Cop. Yes, he’s fun. Yes, I have a great time hanging out with him. Yes, I think he’s pretty sexy in a goofy-yet-tough-guy kind of way. I just know that we wouldn’t work out. I want more attention than he’s willing to give. Yes, I know I need to work on my patience. And yes, I know that maybe I don’t need to rush into things. But, I also think that a guy should show more attention if he’s interested. I saw him Tuesday. The guy for me would have made more effort by Friday to at least talk to me. Now, I know that he had to work. And, he’s a cop, so I know he’s busy. I also know that there’s time for him to send me a text to say or to make plans for the next time we’re going to hang out. He’s more of a leave it til the last minute type dude. And that’s not the dude for me. The last 3 guys that I’ve dated since him were all more willing to give me more attention. I spoke to them everyday. ATC, the Marine and TB all made sure to contact me several times a day, every single day. So, I don’t think I’m expecting too much. I think there’s nothing wrong with liking guys who show that they like me and actually want to talk to me. I think that a guy has a duty to make sure I stay interested in him and don’t get sidetracked by new guys. And, the Cop doesn’t want to do that. Do I understand that the Cop is busy and can’t hang out? Of course. But, I just think we’re too different. He’s too much of a loner. I think we can be friends. He’s a good guy. And, we do have fun together. But I really don’t see a future there, so I’m going to cut off any thinking in my head that there’s a possibility of us dating. No sense in getting my hopes up or attached to a dude who is only going to frustrate the hell out of me.

In other news, I might have texted TB that I missed him. I blame the wine!! It was a momentary lapse in judgment, I know. But, it was a moment of weakness. And, I do miss him something fierce!!! But, I deleted his number so it will not happen again. There was no response, of course. I guess it makes it easier that he didn’t respond. At least he’s not stringing me along, right? Stupid wine and True Blood! No more!

British brother-in-law

This weekend ended up being a lot of fun. Well, Saturday was fun. Sunday was just spent taking a mock bar test and studying, which was not fun. But, Saturday was fun and relaxing and refreshing. My baby was christened. Ok, before you start wondering why I’ve never mentioned a baby, let me explain that he’s not really my baby. Though, I may steal him. We’ll see. My best friend, Mrs. Brit, who had a baby in March, had her baby christened in Los Angeles this weekend. She’s been in town for a couple weeks, and her hubby flew in last week. My best friend and her family are very Catholic and have been going to the same church for eons. So, it made sense that they flew here to have the ceremony done. The Godmother is my best friend’s sister, and the Godfather is my best friend’s husband’s brother. He flew in from England too. Let me tell you a little about British Brother-in-law. First off, I think he may be the most adorable thing in the entire world! He’s young- 23. But he looks 12, and seems just as pure and naïve and sweet as anything. He definitely didn’t grow up in Los Angeles, he’s too nice. Or, maybe I did grow up in LA and I’m just jaded about the dudes here. Either way, he’s adorable. I decided that there were 2 options: I could pull a Samantha from Sex and the City and try to seduce him, or I could be a protective older sister and help him meet a nice, cute California girl. Since he’s practically related to me, I decided to go with the second route. We all went out to this lowkey pub/restaurant right near the house. It was the Brits, my best friend’s sister and husband (they’ll be Mr. and Mrs. Physicist. I don’t even know if they’re physicists. They’re both so smart and do top secret type things that I can’t even comprehend what they do), my best friend’s brother and his girlfriend (I can’t think of a good name for them, so we’ll let that one go for now) and then British brother-in-law and myself. The baby stayed home. He’s not old enough to drink yet. Duh. So we went out and had a couple drinks and some appetizers. At first the bar was kind of dead. But, then we noticed a group of girls in the front of the place. Mrs. Brit waited for British bro-in-law to go to the restroom, and then she went up to the girls. I wasn’t there, but I believe she said something like “My brother in law is in town from England, and would love to meet some California girls.” The girls were stoked. Obviously. (And, wingman points for her, right??) So she sends him over to the girls. He sits with them, and you can tell the girls are stoked at first. The only girl who was really memorable was wearing a tank top and a fedora type hat. Such a So.Cal hipster! So, you can tell she’s trying to talk to him. But, did I mention that British Bro-in-Law is a jazz drummer, and that there was a live band playing? Yeah, he was more interested in the band than the girls. The rest of us were watching him, and dying that he wasn’t giving more attention to the girls. At one point, I wanted to go save him, cause he was just sitting there, and the girls were talking to each other. I’ll give hipster girl some points though: she kept trying to get his attention. She even touched him on the shoulder at one point to get his attention, which is obvious “HEY I LIKE YOU!!!” language. He said he didn’t even realize she did that. Awwww! He’s so naïve and sweet! So, eventually, after like 30 minutes, or what seemed like torturous years for the rest of us who were so anxious, the girls decided to leave and go next door. British Bro-in-Law came back, and we all laid into him with pointers and advice. After that, it was time for most of us to leave. I had to go home to get some sleep before the 6 hour test I had the next day. British Bro-in-Law stayed out with Mr. Brit. They went to the bar next door. I’m hoping that they ran into those girls again. Or, at least talked to some girls! Though, I kind of also hope that he didn’t. I don’t think I want slutty Southern California hipster girls spoiling the sweet little British Brother-in-Law. I want him to stay sweet and pure for some perfect little sweet and pure girl so they can live sweetly and purely ever after. Ok, he’s a drummer in a band. I’m sure he’s not that sweet and pure. But, I’m going to believe that he is because I want to.

Another slight update: yesterday I hung out with The Cop. I always have fun with The Cop. He’s just so easy to be around. And he’s silly and fun. And I think it’s kind of sexy that when I hug him, I can feel his gun. Pervs!! I mean that literally! He always has a gun on him. It was nice to hang out with someone who wasn’t TB and to laugh and just be comfortable and forget everything for a while. I’m just really not sure what to expect. I mean, I know he digs me on some level, but I don’t know if he wants to actually date me, or just hang out. I still think I need more attention than he wants to give. Right now that’s fine cause I’m super busy with studying. But, what happens in August when I suddenly have a lot more free time? Though, I also think I tend to rush into things sometimes (shocking, I know!!) and that maybe it’s not normal to spend every minute or everyday with someone right off the bat. Maybe you are just supposed to spend a few hours together, and then not see each other for several days, and then spend a few hours….until you work into more time. I’m willing to give it a shot and see what happens. There’s no point in rushing things. But, did I mention that his favorite pizza is the same as my favorite pizza? Pepperoni and pineapple. I mean, if that isn't the foundation of a beautiful relationship, then I don't know what is. But, I'm not rushing things. Obviously. Plus, my buddy Sharkie wants to hook me up with a buddy of his. Plus side: his friend is super cute! Down side: his friend is like 25 or 26. Jury is still out side: his friend is a Marine. You’d think I’d have learned my lesson by now about Marines. But, I’m stubborn as hell! And he swears his buddy is a good guy who wants a serious relationship. I think I’ll be super cautious about any new Marines. Well, I’ll be cautious about dudes in general. But, especially Marines. Maybe dating more than one dude is what I need to do right now to keep me from getting too attached to any one guy. I don’t like dating more than one guy at a time. I’m not looking to date just to date. I want to date to find that one person who I’m supposed to be with. But, with the fact that I get attached and needy (again shocking!), maybe dating around is the answer. Or, maybe arranged marriage is the answer. Perhaps it’s a multiple choice question and the answer is C) all of the above.

Ok..back to studying.

so tell me what you want...

Ok, so my patience with TB lasted for a day. And now I’m done. I tried talking to him, and he was all pouty and nonresponsive, and I’m just over it. I mean, I’m trying to be patient. I’m trying to be nice. I understand he’s stressed out. But, come on! You’re a freaking Marine! If this is how you handle stress, then I kind of see why you haven’t been deployed more. “Come on, Taliban, I’m really stressed out and had a bad day. I can’t handle you today. I need a few days to think about things.” Yikes. So, today I politely asked him if he knew when he’d be ready to talk. He blah blah blahed via text. I told him basically to f-off. Well, not basically. That’s actually what I said. So then he finally wrote back that fine, he’d talk to me tomorrow, but he already said everything he wanted to say and that’s that. I read that, and then I felt this strange feeling inside me. It was something strong and firm. And it was strange. It took me a minute to figure it out, but I finally realized what it was- a backbone! How dare he act like he’s doing me a favor because I think we should talk on the phone and not merely via text and email to break up after a serious relationship where we were talking about marriage and stuff. Who the hell does he think he is?? So, I responded that it was ok, I’d rather just start the moving on process tonight and if he felt like he’d said everything already, then there was nothing left. He responded “okay”. Which, a) is a weird answer to end a relationship on, and b) just seemed weird spelled out completely. “okay” not “ok” or “k” but completely spelled out. Odd. Anyway, I wasn’t going to respond. I was going to let it go at that. But, then the smart ass in me came out and I responded. “I’m sorry that I wasn’t enough for you. Good luck finding whatever it is that you’re after.” What I meant by that was “I’m sorry that a smart, attractive lawyer who comes from a good family, has no baggage and was faithful and loved you more than anyone else ever had wasn’t good enough for you.” I mean, I know that I’m being a tad bit cocky right now, but seriously?? I think he has no idea what he wants. And, I’m not going to sit around and hope that he figures it out. I thought I could, but I’m not a patient girl. I thought I was. But, he wouldn’t even talk to me. And, if he handles problems by running, then that’s not good. I need someone who I can rely on, not someone who I’m constantly worried is going to pick up and run at the slightest problem or stress. Life is stressful. Life with me is extremely stressful. I need a man who can handle that. And, if that’s not him, then oh well. Next. Now, do I hope that he realizes that he screwed up and comes back to me? Of course I do. I’ve already pictured him at my front door after an all night flight with flowers and chocolates. But, I know that won’t happen. I don’t foresee him coming back. I think he’s too screwed up in the head for that. I really do wish him well. I don’t hate him. It just didn’t work out. It’s just one of those things I guess. I just need to focus on the bar anyway. And, eventually a great guy who realizes that he can’t let me go will come around. Until then, it’s time that I protect myself and don’t sit around quietly while boys treat me like crap. Man, I’m so girl power right now! I need to listen to the Spice Girls or something! So, tell me what you want, what you really, really want!

space

TB and I talked a little yesterday. Well, talked isn’t quite accurate. We emailed. He emailed me in the morning from work, and we went back and forth a bit. He finally told me a little of what was going on in his mind. He’s experiencing a bit of a mental breakdown. He’s just kind of lost right now. He feels like he doesn’t know what he’s doing with his career (if he’ll stay in the Marines or what) or anything else. And, I think I got a little needy on him and it was just adding to the stress. I was putting all of my stress about life and the bar on him through my need to vent my frustrations, and there was nothing he could do, and so he decided it’d just be easier to shut down. He’s used to being on his own, and I don’t think he knows how to rely on anyone else or have anyone else help him. And here I am wanting to help him solve everything and talk about everything, and I guess it just didn’t mesh well. I wasn’t probably as understanding as I should have been. “If you’re worried about money, stop spending it.” “If you think you drink too much, then don’t go out with your buddies every Friday and Saturday.” “Why don’t you give me attention?” “Are you still attracted to me, cause you didn’t say I looked pretty when I sent you a picture.” Man, I annoyed myself in those 4 sentences, I can only imagine how he must have felt. So, I did what any good lawyer would do and I tried to argue and negotiate my way out of the problem. I tried to argue us back into the relationship. He said he can’t be good for anyone right now, and he needs to figure himself out. I can respect hat. I also think he’s just in a funk and he’s going to realize that he’s not as bad off as he thinks he is. I told him that I think he just needs to take some time and think things through and make sure that this is what he really wants. I’m stuck studying for the bar for the next 54 days, so it doesn’t really affect me to wait and see. I told him that I’d hold off on returning my airplane ticket for a while and give him space to think about it. I think that sometimes people should put as much thought into breaking up as they do into beginning a relationship. I mean, you take your time thinking about compatibility and things, so why not take time to make sure you really don’t want to be with someone. I mean, sometimes it’s obvious: he beat me, break up. He stole my money, break up. He hit on my brother, break up. But, he says he cares about me and doesn’t want anyone else and is just in a bad place and confused. Well, that’s not as cut and dry. Don’t get me wrong: I’m not waiting around for him. I told him that. I told him that I don’t have my hopes up that it’ll work out. I’m just keeping the door open. The door won’t be permanently open. The swift gust of a new interesting guy could blow that door shut. But, the fact that I can go days at a time without leaving my apartment while studying means that that is not likely. I need to focus on the bar, and don’t have time to start new relationships anyway. I mean, it’s not that I’m opposed, I just have priorities right now. Boring, horrible, makes me want to stab myself in the eye priorities. The good thing about this horrible test is that it’s been a wonderful distraction from thinking about TB too much. I barely noticed the silence of my phone when he didn’t call or text. Barely. I’m good about giving him space though. I didn’t contact him at all. I figure it’s up to him now. He really needs to come to some conclusions on his own. Either me misses me or he doesn’t. Either he wants to be with me or he doesn’t.

In other news, the Cop from last summer has been texting me a little. We texted back and forth a bit on Saturday and a bit last night. He’s kind of hinted around to hanging out, but hasn’t asked me to. I don’t see that going anywhere. I mean, I really like hanging out with him, and it was fun. And he’s super silly, which I think is kind of hot (I mean, he’s all tough and has a gun on him at all times, but then he’ll call me a “silly bear” or something like that, which I think is such a hot combination. A guy who can handle a situation but is also random and funny? What’s not to love?) but, I just don’t see it working out. I think I need way too much attention for him to give. That’s what he told me last summer anyway. I don’t think that’s changed. I don’t need less attention, and I don’t foresee him wanting to hang out more than 1 night a week. And, that’s just not enough for me. I’m not that kind of a girl. I like to spend as much time with my man as possible. TB was the same way. He said that if we were in the same place we’d be inseparable. That’s the kind of guy for me. One who decompresses with me, not one who needs to decompress in order to be with me. I’ve really enjoyed texting with the Cop lately though. It’s cheered me up a lot. And, who knows. I mean, if he wants to hang out, I probably will just to see. I just don’t think I’m able to even think about any other dudes right now. Or, maybe a new dude is what I need. I don’t know. I’m so mixed up in the head right now. I wish TB would pull his head out of his ass and realize that it doesn’t matter if he doesn’t know what he’s doing with his life: I’m a lawyer, I can support him! Hopefully he figures that out soon!

Songs to heal

I've still been so bummed. But, I've finally decided that I need to stop stalking TB. I've called him and texted him a few times and no response. How can he just ignore me? Like, he looks at his phone and sees my name and deliberately ignores it. I just don't get it!! I'd like to think it's cause he's too emotional and just can't talk to me cause he's worried he'll cry. It's probably cause he's just over it. Though, I don't actually believe it. I don't think a guy turns into a huge douchebag in 2 days. And, I think that I knew him pretty well before. I'm hoping that he'll snap out of it. I'm praying that he'll snap out of it. I would gladly answer my phone if I see his number pop up. (I say "number" and not "name" because I deleted his number. It was the only way I could stop calling him.) I don't think I'm going to hear from him though. I think he's just too macho to ever come back and ask for forgiveness. I hope not. I'm not refunding my plane ticket yet. I can't bring myself to do it. In the meantime, I've been crying a lot. And, I've taken to journaling everytime I want to call him. I've also watched my favorite movie Once like a thousand times, and keep listening to the soundtrack on repeat. One song in particular: The Hill. I think it sums up my feelings perfectly. The part that gets me most is: And I know that in the morning/I'll have to let you go
And you'll be just a man/Once I used to know. I don't want him to be just a man that once I used to know. I want him to be my man. But, I guess my wanting it isn't enough. Sad. Anyway, I'll post the song for your listening pleasure. I'm hoping to be less mopey soon. Sorry in advance and please bear with me until I'm healed. I just really don't get how we go from establishing our anniversary date to breaking up? Ok..time to listen to my song again.





Walking up the hill tonight
And you have closed your eyes
I wish I didn't have to make
All those mistakes and be wise
Please try to be patient
And know that I'm still learning
I'm sorry that you have to see
The strength inside me burning

Where are you my angel now
Don't you see me crying?
And I know that you can't do it all
But you can't say I'm not trying
I'm on my knees in front of him
But he doesn't seem to see me
But all his troubles on his mind
He's looking right through me
And I'm letting myself down
By satisfying you
And I wish that you could see
That I have my troubles too

Looking at you sleeping
I'm with the man I love
I'm sitting here weeping
While the hours pass so slow
And I know that in the morning
I'll have to let you go
And you'll be just a man
Once I used to know
And for these past few days
Someone I don't recognize
This isn't all my fault
When will you realize

Looking at you leaving, I'm looking for a sign