self-help or help yourself?

What is it about the holiday’s that makes everything seem a little more lonely? I mean, you’re surrounded by family and friends, so shouldn’t that be less lonely? I had an awesome Christmas. We had dinner on Christmas Eve with the whole fam, including 2 of my adopted brothers. That was a blast! Then Christmas we did the presents and breakfast thing, followed by Avatar in 3D. We were supposed to see Sherlock Holmes, but there was a screw-up with the times, and it wasn’t starting for an hour and a half. But, Avatar was starting right then. So we saw that. Again. Well, again for me. No one else had seen it. All in all, it was a great time! I didn’t feel lonely til this morning. I took my parents to the airport, so they could go up to San Francisco for the Emerald Bowl. What die-hard Trojan fans they are! My sister and her boyfriend drove up there this morning. I guess I was just sad that I’m sitting at home with her dogs all by myself while she’s off having a great time with her boyfriend on a vacation. They’ve only been dating for a month, and she already gets vacations. She gets texts and calls several times a day. I’ve been hanging with the Marine, and I’m not getting any calls or texts while he’s home in Texas. But, I guess it was my choice to like him. I’m happy for my sister. Bummed for myself. But, then it dawned on me: I love sitting at home with the dogs! Why am I sad? I’m doing what I love most: watching bad TV, eating a burrito from Chipotle and cuddling on the couch with the doggies. Life is beyond good! Dogs are way more dependable than boys anyway. I went to Barnes and Noble tonight. I once again found myself in the self-help section looking for a book on relationships. I’m trying to not be needy and let him have space. But, it’s hard. I’m trying to give the Marine space, but come on. Shouldn’t you miss me a bit and want to talk to me?? Aren’t you worried that when the cat’s away the mice will play? I guess he doesn’t care if I play. That’s the problem. But, he’s leaving soon anyway, so I’m trying to figure out how to just be cool and detach myself without getting angry. I don’t mind waiting around and be there for him when he gets back, but I just don’t want to be used by him. It’d just be awesome if I knew he cared about me on some level as more than an errand girl. I really think he does, otherwise he would have written me off by now. But, it’s hard to know for sure. And I hate the “wait and see” game. But, I guess that’s what I’m stuck doing. Getting a Marine to open up about his feelings might be harder than rocket science. I mean, at least with rocket science there are formulas you can work out. With a Marine…you got nothing to go on. It’s all a guessing game. I guess the point is, I’ll just have to wait and see if he calls me when he’s back in town. I’d like to pick him up from the airport, but I guess I’ll have to see if that happens. Oh…but back to the bookstore. So, there I was in the relationship section looking at some different books, as if they had the answers to all my questions: why am I single; why can’t I meet someone great; what’s wrong with me, etc. And then it dawned on me. There’s nothing wrong with me. Sure, there are things I do wrong (like text a guy when I shouldn’t), but that’s not like a deep problem or issue. That’s something I can fix pretty easy. The thing is- I just haven’t met the right guy for me. And that’s ok. So, I left that section and went to the exercise section where I picked up a book of 101 workouts. It’s this huge muscle guy (who is probably so juiced up that he has the world’s smallest..you know…) showing how to do 101 different types of exercises. And it breaks it down by body part and gives a great detailed description. Maybe I can’t fix my singleness problem on my own, but I can control my body and its strength. I’ve decided that I need to work on myself (both inward and outward) before I can really focus on someone else. As one relationship book says “I give myself away too easy and do too much for guys I’m dating, cause I don’t fully believe in the product.” Well, it’s time I start believing in the product, cause the product is pretty awesome, if you ask me. I have a lot to offer a dude, and it’s time I realize that. I used to feel conceited if I ever said that. But, now I know it’s not conceit. It’s believing in yourself and loving yourself. How can anyone love you if you don’t love yourself? Man, I have been reading self-help books, huh?? But, the point is, it’s time to focus on me, and realize that I am worth more than what I’ve been selling myself for. (My mom says that all the time, but she’s my mom, so she has to. And, I know she’s saying “I told you so!” and “You never listen to me!” consecutively. Great.) So, I think my New Year’s resolution (even though it’s a bit early) is going to be to start working on myself- get myself into shape mentally and physically, be happy with myself, etc. I think that’s great for my mental health, and for going into bar prep time. (early warning: this blog may get pretty boring) And if it is supposed to work out with the Marine, it won’t hurt that I’m in great shape by the time he gets back from Afghanistan in May.