A couple more days

My hair stylist told me that I have horrible taste in men. Yesterday I went in to get my hair cut. I filled her in on the last couple of months of dating: took her through ATC and all the first dates, and ended with the Marine. I could see how she would think that I have bad taste in men from that. Ok, I could see how anyone would think that from most of my past relationships. She suggested I look into an arranged marriage. To be fair, she thought the Marine sounded pretty great, but that the timing sucked. So maybe it’s not bad taste in men, but that I like unavailable men. I would probably agree with that. It’s not something I try for. Just seems that those are the guys I attract. With the Marine, it’s just timing. He said that himself a few times. I’m trying so hard to not think about what he’s doing while he’s gone. In my mind, he’s hooking up with like every girl he sees and loving all them more than he loves me. (Not that he loves me. But you understand what I’m saying) I’m trying so hard to stop that. Tomorrow night will be sad, cause I’m going to picture him kissing some really beautiful girl at midnight. I really hope that’s not what happens. I mean, if it happens it happens. There’s nothing I can do about it. But, I really hope it doesn’t. That’s why I’m going to try to not even think about it. I’m the one who made the decision to not see anyone else til he leaves. I’m sure I could go out with other people if I wanted. I’m currently putting a couple guys on hold on eharmony. (One guy has the same first name as the Marine, which just seems weird right now.) They’ve asked me out, but I’m delaying for the next week or so. It’s my decision. I can’t be bummed if the Marine isn’t doing the same. I’ve promised myself I won’t ask him about that when I see him. I can’t wait to see him! Only a few more days. It sucks, cause I want time to fly by and him to be home. But, then the sooner he’s home, the sooner he deploys. So, I hope time doesn’t go too fast. Even if he’s putting me on hold while he’s in Texas, at least I know he’s safe. I’d rather have him in the US and ignoring me than in Afghanistan. Well, and ignoring me. I’m also trying to not be passive aggressive “Well, if you had so many people occupying your time in Texas, then maybe THEY can write you letters while you’re gone!” That won’t do any good. I’m trying so hard to put this whole situation in context. It’s hard. I’m not sure if I’m picking him up from the airport. His mom is flying in with him. So, either I’ll pick them both up or I guess she’ll rent a car. He said he’d figure it out and get back to me. Of course I couldn’t help picture that he’s really coming home with some girl he’s met in Dallas. And then I go to surprise him at his house and she’s there. And I’m like “Wow..your mom sure is young!” How crazy would that be? I mean, that would never happen, cause I think the random stop-by is pretty crazy. Even for me. It’s never a good idea. In the beginning anyway. Maybe after you’ve been dating for a while, it’d be ok. But, that’s tough. I would never mind if a guy did a random stop-by at my house. Like if the Marine showed up on my doorstep, that’d be awesome. Well, and weird cause he doesn’t know where I live. So, then I’d have to wonder why he’s a stalker. But, I’d still be stoked either way. “Awwww, you care enough to stalk me?? That’s so sweet!” In the texts yesterday, it sounds like I’ll still see him, despite his mom being here. (I was worried he won’t want me to hang out, cause he won’t want me to meet him mom, cause that’s too serious or something dumb like that) So, I’m guessing it’s not some random girl. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see. I’m horrible at the wait and see game. But, I have to do it. And I’ve been doing it for almost 2 weeks, so I’m getting pretty good. And, it’s only a couple more days now. YAY!!! Imagine how stoked I’m going to be in May when he’s almost home. I won’t be able to stand it! I mean, even if I’m dating someone else, I’ll be happy that he’s coming home, because it’ll mean he’s safe. Whether or not we’re hanging out, I just want him to be safe! I’m not even concerned with my own feelings or wishes or desires at this point. I just want him to be safe and happy. And the sad thing is: I actually mean that. I know that no matter what I’ll be ok- whether it’s dating him, or someone else; whether he hurts my feelings or not. I’ll be ok. I’m not in mortal danger. He has bigger things to worry about. It’s like, the biggest thing on my mind right now is him and maybe classes. The biggest thing on his mind is that people will be shooting at him, and worse. So, he wins. His feelings are instantly more important. Man…my stylist was right…I like unattainable men! Though, in my defense, 5 months of him being gone isn’t necessarily unattainable. It’s more of an obstacle; a challenge. And, I wouldn’t be an aspiring lawyer if I didn’t like challenges.