schemes

So today I was on the way to school. As I turned off of my street, I saw three hot firemen** on the corner waiting to cross the street. Now, when I say hot firemen, I mean firefighter recruitment poster hot. Firefighter fantasy hot. Firefighter-themed porn hot. Hot.

I stopped at the red light staring at them, trying to think of how I could meet them. I could pull over and ask them a question: “How do matches work?” I could tell them that I’m a first grade teacher and that my class would love a private tour of the fire station, and then go beg a first grade teacher to let me borrow her class for an afternoon. I could crash my car and then they’d have to come running to save me. It wouldn’t be bad enough that I seriously hurt myself. Just bad enough that they’d feel the need to come to my aid. Before I had time to think my plan through, the light turned green and the guy behind me honked. I just looked like the dumbass chick who didn’t know how to drive. Sorry ladies, I may have perpetuated the stereotype that women can’t drive. My bad!

But, all my crazy ideas got me to thinking of all the crazy schemes I’ve come up with in the past to catch a guy’s attention. Here are a few of the better ones:

• I tried to start smoking because a guy I liked smoked. I thought it would impress him if I busted out with a pack of his favorite smokes. All it did was give me a sore throat and a horrible cough for a week. My friends still make fun of me for that one from time to time.
• I said I didn’t drink to a guy in AA. That cover was blown when my friends told stories about my drinking. Oops.
• A guy that I liked worked at a KFC about 40 minutes from my house. I went there and pretended that I had happened to be in the neighborhood. He actually and literally called me out on having driven there just to see him.
• Got a tattoo just because the tattoo artist was good looking. It hurt so bad I couldn’t even get it colored in. And, I am now forever marked with THE typical girl tattoo- a butterfly on my lower back. I guess I’m not very original spur of the moment.
• Planned a BBQ because for some strange reason I told this DJ at a club that I was having a BBQ, and he said he’d love to come. Again, I’m not so original spur of the moment.
• “You hate USC? I hate USC too!” (Listen closely. Do you hear that? That’s the sound of my father’s heart breaking and him writing me out of the will at the same time.)

I’m sure that my friends could list 1,000 more crazy schemes I’ve come up with. They never work out, but I don’t think I’ll ever stop trying to come up with them. I wonder if “crazy schemes to catch boys” is an interest I can put on my resume? I think I’ll ask Career Services tomorrow.


**Yes, I do recognize the humor in using the adjective “hot” to describe “firemen”, and did not intend for this. However, they were so hot that the part of my brain used for coming up with clever adjectives melted. :-)