my morning at the DMV

So this morning I braved the DMV. My license expires tomorrow (my birthday) and I couldn’t do it through the mail again this year, since I’d already renewed it through the mail 3 times or something. (Some dumb DMV policy). Of course I got the notice about 2 months ago, but hesitated in making the appointment, because I am perpetually lazy. Well, I went on about 2 weeks ago to make an appointment. The earliest one I could find was on October 22, which was well after the expiration date. Oops. So I had to go to the DMV and brave the non-appointment line. Of course I put that off too. It doesn’t expire until the 15th, so I have until the 14th, I figure. Yes, I know I could go on the 15th, but I have to work, and who wants to go to the DMV on their actual birthday? That’s more depressing than blowing out candles on a cake all by yourself. Happy birthday to me, Happy birthday to me. So I got up early today (7:30) so I could straighten my hair and put on make-up. Ok, I know the DMV isn’t the high fashion hot spot, but I had to take a new picture, and I didn’t want my hair in a pony tail or a poofy ball of mess. Of course I still wore my favorite pair of Levi’s corduroy pants and my trusty gray USC sweatshirt. But, at least my hair was done. So I get to the DMV thinking I’d outsmarted the system. I’ll get there early and get the first number when they open at 9. When I rolled into the parking lot at 8:30, I was lucky to even find a space! People were smirking at me “Oh you thought you were so clever? Ha!” The line was wrapped around the corner and almost to the end of the building. Luckily there was an overhang we could stand under, since it was raining. I’m thinking that the people before me must spend a lot of time at the DMV. First, they knew that showing up a mere 30 minutes before opening isn’t nearly enough. And one guy even brought a chair. Who would have thought to bring a folding chair?? That’s crazy!! While in line, I was thinking how funny it is that the DMV is the one place where it’s ok to dress like a slob. Going to the bank, you probably shouldn’t look homeless. Going to the grocery store? That’s decent public, you should at least throw on your nicer sweat suit. Going to school? You should at least brush your hair. All those rules are thrown out the window at the DMV. Everyone there looks homeless. Myself included. I was wearing my rain tennis shoes, which is what I call my old favorite pair of Puma’s, which now have holes in both the toes. I don’t want to get my nice shoes gross in the rain, so I’ll wear the holey ones and deal with wet socks if and when that problem arises. Is there a special DMV where the rich and beautiful people go? Like, where does Brad Pitt go to the DMV? Where do the hot guys where you run into every other place in the world go? Where do the firemen go? I can tell you it’s not any of the DMVs I’ve ever been to, that’s for sure! Theoretically, the DMV would be a great place to meet people. You’re stuck there for hours, and there is such a high traffic rate of people coming in and out, you’d think you’d run into at least one attractive guy. Why is that never the case (for me anyway?) I’d love to hear someone’s story of how they met “Well, I was waiting at the DMV, and in he walked…” That’d be a great story. Not my story apparently, as all I came across were really random people. There was one lady in front of me who spent the whole half hour before the DMV opened on her pink iphone. No, that’s not the weird part that I noticed. Talking on the phone. Normal. Going to your car and leaving right as the DMV opens and the line starts moving? That’s weird. I kept her spot for her til I saw her car back up and drive back. She really left. It was so weird!! Ok, so then I get inside and get my number. G023. Not too bad I figured. I sat down in a chair next to a lady. Her number got called pretty early. When she vacated her seat, this older guy in dress pants and a suit shirt sits down next to me. Who are you trying to impress, Mr. Fancy Dress? We slovenly DMV-goers look down at you nicely dressed people! I heard him say he was applying for a motorcycle license. He’s probably some lawyer or accountant going through a mid-life crisis. He’s probably post-divorce and trying to prove to young girls at bars that he’s still hip. “Yeah, I rode here on my motorcycle. No big deal.” Well, I had no idea how young he liked them until he turned to the 16 year old girl on the other side and asked what she was in for. (Yeah, that’s a direct quote. “What are you in for?” Followed by a “how do you think we’re gonna do?”) Don’t talk to the timid young girl, you creepy old pervert! She kept trying to cut the conversation off with awkward laughs. He didn’t get the hint. It was creepy!! When they called her number, she practically jumped up and ran to the window. Then the guy says (not exactly sure who he was speaking to. Me? I don’t think so. The world in general? Probably.) “I have to go to the bathroom. I’ll be back.” I was praying for anyone to come take the seat while he was gone. Little old Asian Grandma, please come sit next to me. Woman with the screaming baby PLEASE sit down! But no, no one came to sit down. So it was still empty when he came back. Luckily they called his number pretty quick. After only about 40 minutes, they called my number. I went up the lady. I smiled at her and asked how she was doing. She actually stopped for a second and looked taken aback. I think the people who work at the DMV are nice, it’s society who goes there who are assholes. But, it’s hard to remain nice and positive after waiting for over an hour, I guess. I was just happy to finally be at the window and didn’t want to do anything to risk her sending me to the back of the line. She has the power, I don’t. I’ll be nice. So we go through the usual stuff “Is this your address?” “Yes.” “Can you read the letters on line 1?” “Yes.” Silence. “Oh, you want me to actually read them outloud? My bad! FOEPT.” Then, she asked if I wear contacts, to which I replied “Nope. My eyes are just naturally this beautiful.” I don’t think she really got it. She just looked at me like I was crazy. Not a fan of joking, noted. I finished there and went over to the place to have my picture taken. Another line. After 10 minutes in that line, I got to sign, thumb print and take a picture. I smiled. I think. At 9:53, I was out of the DMV, so I didn’t really care about anything else (smiling versus not smiling, creepy people, screaming children, etc.). Well, didn’t care about anything else until I caught my reflection in the mirrored windows. I’d almost forgotten something! Rainy, damp weather and naturally curly hair straightened with a flattening iron don’t mix so well. In fact, it turns into a frizzy rats nest. I can’t wait to see the picture!