Forgiveness is a virtue

Do you ever do things which you know you shouldn't be? And it's almost like you're in a movie watching yourself and trying to make yourself stop, but you can't? "Yes, my rational self knows that I shouldn't be doing this, but my rational self is not in control right now." The following is my most recent example of this, and how I messed up a really, really good thing.

I have decided to take a dating hiatus. This is a very much needed break, and was a decision that became solidified this weekend. Let me take you back a week or so. There has been a lack of posts lately and an absence of my new favorite character: the Marine. Well, I ruined a good thing with him. Not on purpose mind you. But, because I am stubborn and pig-headed and downright crazy at times. Let me explain. A week ago Saturday he got back from Dallas. I was so excited to see him. I picked him and his mother up from the airport. We hung out for a bit, but they were exhausted. Understandably so. He said I’d see him again soon before he deployed. Sunday I wanted to hang out, but he was busy. I went out with ATC that night for some beers and the Lakers game. I had hoped that would take my mind off of the Marine, but all I did was talk about him. In my defense, ATC asked a lot of questions about “The Captain”. (That’s what he calls the Marine. Since ATC is a former Marine himself, he hates that I refer to the Marine as if he is the only Marine. But, in my mind, he is.) That didn’t help distract me. I ended up seeing the Marine on Monday night, as I help him and his mom pack and stuff. That was the night we have to say goodbye, as he has a girl flying in from Texas. He says she’s just a friend. I got upset and possibly texted him more than I should have over the next few days. I’m sorry, but I get irrational when I’m emotional. And I was super emotional. Here’s this dude who I really dig blowing me off for another chick. Well, it turns out he doesn’t leave Wednesday either. I’m still not sure why, but he’s around for a bit longer. The other girl left, and he said maybe we'd hang out. I think I ignored the "maybe" and got my hopes up that we definitely would. We talked on Saturday and he says I’m too aggressive. Yes, I get that I have been aggressive. I mean, I think I’m normally a bit on the aggressive side, and this has put me into overdrive. I didn’t think it was bad to make it known I want to hang out with him before he leaves. But, I mean, I guess I should still be playing the game. It’s just hard to play hard to get when you’re really wanting to see someone, and you’re worried they’re leaving soon for a really, really long time to go to a really, really scary place. So after a while, he says the “friend” is now his “girlfriend”. Personally, I don’t believe it. I mean, I guess I have no reason not to. But, I just find it weird. He tells me that they didn’t even start hanging out until like 3 days after Christmas. That means a week ago. And she’s his girlfriend? And he says I told him I didn’t want anything and that I was free and he was free. Well, anyone who knows me knows that that is just not true. I was willing to wait for this kid! I would have sent him letters and stayed at home knitting every Friday night until he got back. Ok, maybe not knitting. I don’t know how to knit. But, I would have done something comparable. Personally, if he is more than friends with this girl, I think it’s because he’s freaked out about leaving, and she reminds him of home. She’s safe. He knows that she won’t hurt him. With me, he doesn’t know that. It’s more of a risk to care about me. I’m emotional, and volatile and crazy. But, he knew that about me already and chose to date me. Yes, I really should have toned it down. I know that. I accept that. I own that 1 million percent. But, now he won’t even talk to me or see me. We were supposed to have lunch today, but he canceled without telling me why. He just said “I have my reasons.” Yes, I should have let it go at that. But, what kind of Spanish/Italian would I be if I didn’t drop some f-bombs? Of course, then I felt immediately bad and sent him a bunch of apologies. I swear, last night I was on this emotional roller coaster and thought about institutionalizing myself. I felt crazy. I was just so upset and lost. It was so bad that I called my mom “Can I come home?” I didn’t want to talk to anyone, but I didn’t want to be alone. “Of course you can come home!” she says. The only reason I ask is because my dad owns guns, and I didn’t want to get shot coming into the house at 9pm on a Saturday night. I came home and almost immediately went to bed. Of course I didn’t sleep. I laid curled up with my teddy bear crying. I was a pathetic mess. I haven’t been able to sleep or eat all week. Today my dad kept asking if I was sick. Normally when I’m upset, I eat. After ATC, I think I gained 45 pounds. But I couldn’t eat anything without feeling the sudden urge to puke. (Of course, when my parents got me to go to dinner with them, I looked out the window, and there was a girl actually puking outside. She was leaning out of her friend’s car window throwing up. This made me almost puke again. It was hysterically disgusting.) I spent the whole day with my dad. We went to Home Depot and the grocery store. Grocery shopping with my dad is hilarious. He zig zags through the store with no rhyme or reason while thinking of what he wants. With my mom, it’s methodical. Up one aisle, down the other. It doesn’t matter if we need anything in the aisle or not. We still go up and down it. With my dad, it’s like a mad dash back and forth. If I hadn’t been periodically crying at the very thought of the Marine, it would have been much more enjoyable. He asked why I wasn’t hungry or wanting to eat. He was really worried I was sick. When I finally said that the Marine hurt my feelings, he said exactly what I was expecting (and which I still found comforting, nonetheless) “You need to focus on school anyway.” It’s funny, cause I haven’t wanted to talk about it with anyone, cause I don’t want anyone to say anything bad about the Marine. He’s about to leave and I don’t want any negative energy out there. Sure, he hurt my feelings, and maybe could have handled things differently, but I would say 89% of this was my fault. I don’t want my friends and family saying anything bad about him just because they have to stand up for me out of love and loyalty. And, at the same time, I don’t need people to point out what I did wrong (cause we all know my friends and family are opinionated people who won’t hesitate to tell me what I did wrong and should do differently.) Then we came home and watched football all day. That cheered me up a bit. It was very distracting, cause the Cardinals/Packers game was pretty exciting. And I don’t really even like football that much. And then it hit me: I think I like the Marine so much because he reminds me a lot of my dad. My dad is a great man. He’s a problem solver. He takes care of the family. He can fix everything from a problem with my car, to figuring out which classes I should take. He’s hard working and loyal and fun to be around. He doesn’t waste time with a lot of chit chat, but he puts up with us girls when we get chatty. And he’s always so forgiving when we do something wrong. My dad and I butt heads a lot, because I think I get my stubbornness from him. But, no matter what, at the end of the day he loves me and I love and respect him, so we will forgive each other. I think I see a lot of that in the Marine. He is so smart and introverted. Yet, he could handle any problem. He’s as tough as he is smart. He loves gadgets and video games and guns. He likes “shoot ‘em up” movies. He has no problem just being silent, but also lets me rant about nerdy law school stuff when I feel the need. I just wish that he were forgiving like my dad. I know that I was too aggressive and pushy. I would change that if I could. I left him alone today. And I plan on leaving him alone from now on. I mean, at this point, it has to be up to him if he wants to contact me. That being said, I am going to wish at every 11:11 and upon every shooting star, and I’m going to pray and hope and whatever else I can, that he will call me. I’ve never wanted to fight for a guy so badly when I know there may be another girl in the picture. Normally I let the other girl win, cause there’s no point in trying. With the Brohamster, I let him go and cut off communication so that the bartender could have him (even gave her advice about him when she called me once. Yeah, that was weird.) With the Cop, when I found out he was dating the slutty volunteer, I stopped calling. With ATC, when he told me he started dating a friend of his, I stopped talking to him, and joined Eharmony in an effort to move on. (It’s funny that, with the exception of the Cop, most of the guys I date still come to me for girl advice. Brohamster, ATC, the Drywaller, the Writer. Part of me loves being the stable person they can count on. Part of me thinks I’m a masochist.) But with the Marine, I guess I just thought I could fight to save whatever it is that we had. Who knows...maybe after he gets back, he’ll realize that we should have another chance. Maybe I’ll still be single. Maybe my dating hiatus will be over. The one thing I do know: I will not be putting my own life on hold for him (or anyone) anymore, and will definitely be hard to get. I would say “play hard to get”, but it won’t be playing. I’m learning to put myself first. And if the guy wants me, he’ll work for it. It’s kind of how I was in the beginning with the Marine. Somewhere along the line, my fear of him leaving turned me into a needy, emotional, irrational maniac. And for that, I truly, deepyly, whole-heartedly apologize to the Marine. And my hiatus is going to focus on my fixing that. I vow here and now (maybe a late New Year’s resolution, if you will) that I will not be aggressive or clingy from now on. Afterall, I’m kind of a catch.

And don't worry...I'm sure there will still be plenty of hi jinx for me to write about, even with my cancellation of my eharmony account.