Apologies

Apologies are nice. I tend to apologize for everything. “I ate your last cookie. I’m sorry.” “Your puppy died? I’m sorry.” “You cheated on me and broke my heart? I’m sorry.” Even if I have no reason to apologize, I still do. It’s like something that just comes naturally. It’s not that I’ve done anything wrong, necessarily. It’s more like I’m sorry for the situation. I’m a Libra. I like everything to be in balance. If it’s not, I apologize for the imbalance. I got a real apology from MDA on Sunday. I wasn’t expecting it. The way we left it in August was me sending him a text telling him to never call me again. Then I promptly deleted him from Facebook and erased his number. It wasn’t bitterness that led to the deletion. It was my needing to move on, and I couldn’t do that if I was constantly seeing pictures of him and his girlfriend. Seeing him, or being able to see his page, would just keep me thinking about him. And if I’m still thinking about him, how can I truly open myself up to meeting a new guy. And if I’m able to see him, then I’m going to keep thinking about how incredibly good looking he was, and think that I probably won’t be meeting someone as good looking as him again. I’m trying to lead a less superficial life. Looks fade. Personality is forever. Good looks are the icing on the cake. But it’s all about real substance. But, hot damn, it sure is hard to break up with someone who is so handsome! But I did, and I deleted, and I’m good. Sunday morning, I’m trying to outline for one of my classes when up pops an instant message from MDA. I guess I’d forgotten to block him online. Maybe I intentionally forgot. My heart kind of stopped for a second when his name popped up. It’s funny, cause I’d just been thinking about him when I was thinking about Halloween last year. I was a little scared to read the message. I was wondering if maybe he’d found out about my blog and his name on here (which, I may need to change now). I’d wondered what else I could have done wrong which he was contacting me over. (See, I instantly go into apology mode) But, it was actually HIM apologizing to ME! He said that he wanted to apologize for treating me so crappily and that he regretted that. I mean, yeah it’s been a while, and I’m pretty much over it (obviously) but that was really nice to hear. I guess he and the girl he left me for broke up. You mean the slutty bar tender whom you knew was cheating on you and only liked you because you are a party guy and like to drink ended things? Shocker! I do feel bad for him. Break-ups are hard, even if they’re with slutty bar tenders. And they lived together apparently. So that makes it tough too. Having to split up stuff and pack and be angry while the other person is right there. I’ve never actually lived with a dude, so I don’t know. But, in the movies it looks tough. I saw The Break-Up with Jennifer Anniston. That was hard. (The break-up. Not the movie. The movie wasn’t so hard.) But, we had a nice conversation. He is a good guy, and I know he has a good heart, so I don’t like seeing him bummed out. I gave him a pep talk, which is exactly how it used to be once upon a time. He’d be bummed out, I’d give him a pep talk. Maybe sometimes you just can’t change the dynamics of a relationship. I told him that I’d be there if he needed to talk. Don’t think I can hang out with him though. A) I’m still attracted to him. B) There’d be a line of people waiting to punch me in the throat. That guy broke me, and I think anyone who cares about me would never let me even think about hanging out with him again. There’s no way I could go through that again. And I don’t know if I could be his friend who hangs out and stuff because I am still attracted to him. Phone and/or instant message relationship is safe. I can’t hug him through the computer. I definitely would never try to date him again. I don't think I'd date any ex ever again. They're exes for a reason. Actually, that's not true. If ATC called me today, I'd take him back and work things out without a second thought. (Why do I feel like I'm going to get kicked by It Girl when she reads this??) I'd probably get in my car right now and go see him. Maybe bring him a pie too. (Ok..that's a bit of a stretch. No pie. That just seems desperate.) But, the point of this all is: in terms of the apologies I’ve ever received in my life, this one from MDA definitely goes top 5. I'll reserve the first spot for ATC, but only because that one would end with us running towards each other in slow motion, and there's a marriage involved. I'm just saying.